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**tippmannbeast** · June 27th, 01:23 PM

Fun things to do in evelator:
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.

Twenty Fun Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

**littleman1235** · June 27th, 01:26 PM

you have absolutley no life -if you have enough time to type all that

**tippmannbeast** · June 27th, 01:28 PM

actually RYAN, I just copied and pasted off of funny.com
and off of
ryan's-a-***.com
NOT A NICE WAY TO TREAT YOUR TEAM'S CAPTAIN!@$$

ShadowShot · June 27th, 01:51 PM

This isnt a game, you realise that right?

NeWbE101 · June 27th, 02:56 PM

Who cares these are pretty funny!

**tippmannbeast** · June 27th, 03:42 PM

yea, I know. I'll post some more tomorrow if anyone says they want me to.

**MrMacDude** · June 27th, 06:35 PM

do it... those are pretty funny.

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:20 PM

ok, i'll post some more in a sec.

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:27 PM

Funny Stuff Mark as unread

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:35 PM

Things That Bother Me Mark as unread

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
genitals.

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvment, then there must have been something wrong with it
before.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.

The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the
phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's
Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? How did Patrick
find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between
"Hello and it's Patrick." And why the hell do you have big
sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you
people play Pictionary over the phone often?

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". **** off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What,
should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of
course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that
thing over there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me
a choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I
know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I
point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:38 PM

How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:48 PM

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas- MY FAVORITE!

(I actually did all of these)

1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)

2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)

3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")

4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)

5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)

6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)

7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)

8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)

9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)

10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)

11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)

12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)

13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)

14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)

15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)

Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.

20 Ways to Confuse Your Trick-or-Treaters Mark as unread

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf
balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get
near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag,
and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and
act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top
Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the
briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they
do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise
party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they
can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it
makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse,
and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go
away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out
into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the
door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups
before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at
anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house
as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the
trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and
start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone
protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left
over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several
half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close
the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you
don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before
the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment
you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the
trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

21. Dress up as Lord Voldemort (the very evil person from "Harry
Potter") and insist that the Trick or Treaters be killed. Point
a stick at them and shout, "Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!
Diiiiie, you stupid Muggles!"

**tippmannbeast** · June 29th, 08:54 PM

Bumper Stickers

20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell phone up
your ass?

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

18. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and
not you.

16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to hide the
bodies.

15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week...

1. Honk if you want to see my finger.

sabman · June 29th, 09:28 PM

you know #1 bonus is impossible because one of the objectives is lounge in the garden section untill you get kicked out

**tippmannbeast** · June 30th, 04:43 PM

wow, i didn't notice that- I didn't write them, I just copied and posted it.