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Old January 1st, 2006, 06:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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A poem that I need help with.

Well, this is a poem I have been working on for some time now. It isnt directed to anyone, just somthing ive been writing latley. I dont think its very good and i need room for improvment instead of suck. So what im saying is, how can i improve this thing? I want to end it dramitcally, the only problem is that I cant think of any way to do that without it sounding like ****. So, help is appreciated.

Her eyes are crystals,
Lying in the sky,
Her beauty so simple,
To wonder me why,

Love like a dove,
So clean and pure,
But once taken off,
Is like a cat's purr,

I see her in the breeze,
So gentle and sweet,
I can't look away,
Can only move my feet,

I try to move away,
But her beauty is grasping,
I look towards her,
Our eyes are clasping,

I move closer to her,
Desire a kiss,
A feeling so gentle,
A feeling so missed,

Her eyes are dark,
Black as night,
I can't look away,
Strong as I might,

Her body is gentle,
Smooth and fine,
I think of her often,
But it could never be mine,

Of my life,
It's all just a dream,
She is my savior,
A savior so clean.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 06:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Yeah, not directed towards anyone... You fooled everyone with that.

Want to end it dramatically?

Mail it the girl you wrote about and include a suicide note.

Then kill yourself, and when she gets the poem/suicide note several days later, after of course hearing of your untimely demise, she might shed a tear.

Drama.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 06:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Lmao. No, I really want to end this one dramaticlly. But in writing. I mean, that was my first thought but then I realized it isnt directed towards anyone lol
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Old January 1st, 2006, 06:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well the poem goes from breezes then to her body and back and forth.

The lines all have different numbers of syllables, no consistency. No rhyme, or a pathetic attempt at it.

Work on making it about a 1/3 as short as it is now, and focus it more.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 06:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Isn't iambic pentameter fun....



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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dhill0413
Well the poem goes from breezes then to her body and back and forth.

The lines all have different numbers of syllables, no consistency. No rhyme, or a pathetic attempt at it.

Work on making it about a 1/3 as short as it is now, and focus it more.
Thanks. Ill start changing it some more.

Oh and Me' Please, GTFO out of my thread. I dont need **** like you brought in here. GTFO
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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^^^ you fail at life.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Why???
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Force
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
That last line was kinda lame and disappointing, but the rest is... uhh... Imaginative, I guess.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Force
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
GTFO of my thread. You call me pathetic when you actully took the time to write that ****? Fail at life is right...
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I took the time to write that ****? It took me like 5 minutes. I can't beleive that you took the time to write your **** poem. You GTFO.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Force
Why???
//repeat,["beacause","you","suck"][/omefingee]
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Oh you are so pathetic, now your just running out of insults. Please stop making yourself look retarded. You try to follow everyone else and be cool by hating Dav0r. You fial man, you fail at insultuing and that is pathetic.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Force
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
Lame, knock it off.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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As you can see Rock, my point has been proven. You suck at life, you cant even insult people. Ill say it nicely this time, Get out of my thread.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:26 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Yes, I definently suck at life. I definently suck at insulting people, and I definently fail. I'll stop so this doesn't turn into a flame fest.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 07:27 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Thank you
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 09:41 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Great way to start off the new year guys
Dav0r, keep doing what you do....read other poems online...read tips on writing poems online...keep at it
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:10 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cragen
Great way to start off the new year guys
Dav0r, keep doing what you do....read other poems online...read tips on writing poems online...keep at it
Thanks much. Last night my freind was on shrooms and he actully came up with these really good ideas that I plan on using. Odd how that works. ANyway, thanks for the support guys.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:32 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dav0r
Well, this is a poem I have been working on for some time now. It isnt directed to anyone, just somthing ive been writing latley. I dont think its very good and i need room for improvment instead of suck. So what im saying is, how can i improve this thing? I want to end it dramitcally, the only problem is that I cant think of any way to do that without it sounding like ****. So, help is appreciated.

Her eyes are crystals,
Lying in the sky,
Her beauty so simple,
To wonder me why,

Love like a dove,
So clean and pure,
But once taken off,
Is like a cat's purr,

I see her in the breeze,
So gentle and sweet,
I can't look away,
Can only move my feet,

I try to move away,
But her beauty is grasping,
I look towards her,
Our eyes are clasping,

I move closer to her,
Desire a kiss,
A feeling so gentle,
A feeling so missed,

Her eyes are dark,
Black as night,
I can't look away,
Strong as I might,

Her body is gentle,
Smooth and fine,
I think of her often,
But it could never be mine,

Of my life,
It's all just a dream,
She is my savior,
A savior so clean.
too many cliches
also try reading it out loud (thats what poems are meant for). it just doesnt sound well off the tongue. you should have some kind of specific construction in your poem, otherwise it sounds like a random, stream of thought type deal which no one likes.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:34 AM   #22 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYY
too many cliches
also try reading it out loud (thats what poems are meant for). it just doesnt sound well off the tongue
What do you mean by cliche? point some lines out for me so i can get a better image.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:44 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Here, i cut it up and put parenthesis around my comments. dont take them personally, and if you disagree with them thats fine. im just telling you how i would change it.


Love like a dove,
So clean and pure, (pick some other animal. we all know doves are nice but there are thousands of other animals you can describe a girl by)

So gentle and sweet, (another cliche, you should talk about what makes her gentle and sweet so that the reader can decide for himself)
I can't look away, (same as above, why cant you look away?)
Can only move my feet, (dont know what this means)

I try to move away,
But her beauty is grasping, (this just doesnt make any sense)
I look towards her,
Our eyes are clasping, (clasping is the wrong word to describe peoples' eyes)


Her eyes are dark,
Black as night, (very big cliche, definately change this)
I can't look away,
Strong as I might, (doesnt make any sense)

Her body is gentle, (how can a body be gentle? pick a different adjective)
Smooth and fine, (once again, bad choice of words. smooth is okay, but you follow it up with a vague word like fine)
I think of her often,
But it could never be mine, (you suddenly changed the poem from wanting a girl to wanting her body, either change "it" to "she" or omit the stanza)

Of my life,
It's all just a dream, (these past 2 lines dont make any sense)
She is my savior, (how? you talk about how beautiful she is, but how does she lift you up if she cant be yours)
A savior so clean. (very ugly last line. i wouldnt repeat savior, and "clean" just doesnt go well with the rest of the poem)

and one more thing. i'd avoid using "like" because it sounds very....valleygirlish. if she is beautiful and innocent and pure, she IS a dove, not like a dove.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:45 AM   #24 (permalink)
 
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cli·ché also cliche Audio pronunciation of "cliche" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kl-sh)
n.

1. A trite or overused expression or idea: “Even while the phrase was degenerating to cliché in ordinary public use... scholars were giving it increasing attention” (Anthony Brandt).
2. A person or character whose behavior is predictable or superficial: “There is a young explorer... who turns out not to be quite the cliche expected” (John Crowley).


[French, past participle of clicher, to stereotype (imitative of the sound made when the matrix is dropped into molten metal to make a stereotype plate).]

Synonyms: cliché, bromide, commonplace, platitude, truism
These nouns denote an expression or idea that has lost its originality or force through overuse: a short story weakened by clichés; the old bromide that we are what we eat; uttered the commonplace “welcome aboard” a eulogy full of platitudes; a once-original thought that has become a truism.




thats what he means by cliche. viva la dictionary.com
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:49 AM   #25 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYY
Here, i cut it up and put parenthesis around my comments. dont take them personally, and if you disagree with them thats fine. im just telling you how i would change it.


Love like a dove,
So clean and pure, (pick some other animal. we all know doves are nice but there are thousands of other animals you can describe a girl by)

So gentle and sweet, (another cliche, you should talk about what makes her gentle and sweet so that the reader can decide for himself)
I can't look away, (same as above, why cant you look away?)
Can only move my feet, (dont know what this means)

I try to move away,
But her beauty is grasping, (this just doesnt make any sense)
I look towards her,
Our eyes are clasping, (clasping is the wrong word to describe peoples' eyes)


Her eyes are dark,
Black as night, (very big cliche, definately change this)
I can't look away,
Strong as I might, (doesnt make any sense)

Her body is gentle, (how can a body be gentle? pick a different adjective)
Smooth and fine, (once again, bad choice of words. smooth is okay, but you follow it up with a vague word like fine)
I think of her often,
But it could never be mine, (you suddenly changed the poem from wanting a girl to wanting her body, either change "it" to "she" or omit the stanza)

Of my life,
It's all just a dream, (these past 2 lines dont make any sense)
She is my savior, (how? you talk about how beautiful she is, but how does she lift you up if she cant be yours)
A savior so clean. (very ugly last line. i wouldnt repeat savior, and "clean" just doesnt go well with the rest of the poem)

and one more thing. i'd avoid using "like" because it sounds very....valleygirlish. if she is beautiful and innocent and pure, she IS a dove, not like a dove.
Thanks alot NYY. This helped. And no1tubeplayer, I know what it means i just needed to see the lines.
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