Could Use Some Help... - Paintball Forum - Paintball guns and gear forums

Reply

Old April 16th, 2006, 12:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
We The People
 
Jinjiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In my Z.
Posts: 5,925
Could Use Some Help...

So I've got a few business contacts here in Rochester, and I'm trying to help my girlfriend get donations and sponsorship for a missions trip to Romania. Basically she's going for 2 weeks to help out neglected kids who literally live in the sewers.

Anyways, I'm writing a letter to a couple of successful businessmen I know, but I feel like I'm being way too generalized, way too wordy, and just not really writing a decent letter. The letter basically needs to convince a businessman to donate to a girl s/he's never even met.

*Note* This letter will be attached with a letter that my girlfriend wrote that explains the whole trip and what she is doing in more detail. This will be the first letter they read, and is basically the hook to get them to donate.

-Jin
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Jinjiro is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old April 16th, 2006, 12:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
We The People
 
Jinjiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In my Z.
Posts: 5,925
As I learn more and more about business, it has become clear to me that individuals have different ideas and thoughts on how certain things should be accomplished, such as what is the right way to keep financial records, or how extensive a companyís market research should be.

However, throughout the few short years I have been involved in business and entrepreneurship, one idea alone has remained a steadfast lodestar amongst everyone I have encountered. The belief that philanthropy is a core component of a successful businessman has stuck with me, more so than any other concept anyone has offered me. It is my personal belief, as well as the belief of a plethora of successful individuals, that giving back is a crucial aspect of having achieved monetary wealth. It is that act of helping the less fortunate and perhaps downtrodden that makes wealth so valuable. This is the very reason why I am contacting you, as I believe you can contribute back to the world which has given you so much, and you have the chance to truly impact the lives of possibly hundreds of people.

Katie L---- is currently a Senior at Aquinas, and as her attached letter will tell you, she has dreamt of traveling to Romania since she was 11 years old. Despite her incredible effort to raise money, both through personal donations as well as working at Wegmans, she is still short of the necessary funds. This is your chance to help out a caring individual, as well as downtrodden children who are helpless and neglected.

Why should you give to a girl you donít even know? What makes her stand out from the perhaps dozens of other donation letters you may receive? I am here to give my own personal account of a young woman who I am positive will have a huge impact on the lives of everyone she encounters.

Though I have only known Katie for 8 months, from the very beginning I knew Katie was an extraordinary girl. She has an uncompromising character that is truly unique in todayís world., and her morals are unbending. She compromises herself for no one. I have had the fortune to see Katie interact with children of all ages, from young infants to toddlers and preteens. Her caring, loving attitude, in conjunction with her patience and composure, amount to the epitome of a motherly figure. I know for a fact that Katie is the perfect person for working with unfortunate children in Romania. You will not find a more compassionate girl in all of Rochester, and her tender-heart is unparalleled by any person I know. Whether it is volunteering at the Special Olympics, or even just talking to customers who come through her line at Wegmans, Katie always positively impacts those she encounters. I could go on and on, but I will try to keep this as concise as possible.

Though Katie is an exceptional young woman, she has not always had such an easy life. Money has never been a blessing for her or her family, from the years she spent in a trailer home before moving to Caledonia, to the struggle of currently putting two of four kids through Catholic schooling.


*TL/DR* **** OFF.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Jinjiro is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 12:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
Woohoo
 
Sittin_duk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: So CAR
Posts: 2,350
That's a really good letter, she seems like a really good person according to you, and you seem to know what you're talking about.

If she needs more sponsorships and money, then do local carwashes, write one letter, and send it to a bunch of people, rake leaves, do other oddjobs.

Our church went on a missions trip to Moldova (right next to Romania) and the way I got enough money was writing to most of the businesses I could find in the phonebook with some sort of Christian (fish, cross, etc.) logo. Our church also hosted a golf tournament which raised over 2,000 dollars. We ended up, after everything had been tallied up, having enough for an 11 person team to go, each with 100 dollars of spending money. If you need any help or anything, then IM me on AIM and I'll be happy to help you two out.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

If you believe in God, and are proud of it, put this in your sig.
Sittin_duk is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 01:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
Established member
 
BUBBASR.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: schweinfurt DE
Posts: 5,674
Blog Entries: 1
I would try to limit the way you use larger words. By adding plethora or others to your letter you are inadvertently making the reader either aknowledge that you are smart or making them feel like you are trying to snob up to them. By keeping things more simple you will give them a warmer feeling. Just my imput do what you want.

Its good of you to try and help her out. what is your relation with her besides knowing her for 8 months.
__________________
Less Balls More Nuts.
PUMP PAINTER
BUBBASR. is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 09:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
We The People
 
Jinjiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In my Z.
Posts: 5,925
She's my girlfriend, but I was thinking I should leave that out. Thoughts on that?

-Jin
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Jinjiro is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 10:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
PBaholic #14
 
Zues's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Houlton, Maine
Posts: 1,553
Definetly leave that out....

if i were reading that letter and you mentioned her being your gf i would probably just think something along the lines of


"Hes her girlfriend, of course hes going to write a letter about how nice/kind/compassionate she is.." and then something like "man he really wants some... "

So IMO leave the bf/gf part out

other than that thats a really good letter..
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Thank you for the sig Jester 1269
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Zues is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 11:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Tejas
Posts: 3,591
Leave that part out.

I think it's a good letter, just lay off on such big vocabulary IMO.
__________________
John

Don't give up, don't ever give up.
-Jimmy V
mavsfan31 is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
We The People
 
Jinjiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In my Z.
Posts: 5,925
Sometimes I hate having a decent vocabulary, because then people can't tell if that's just how I write or if I'm trying to sound wordy. I think I'll tone it down a bit, just because I don't want to come off sounding fake, even though I'm not.

-Jin
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Jinjiro is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 11:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Tejas
Posts: 3,591
Haha, yea I think if you know the guy well enough don't worry about it. It also really depends on what kind of a guy you are writing the letter to.
__________________
John

Don't give up, don't ever give up.
-Jimmy V
mavsfan31 is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 11:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
°Viva La Rob!
 
Ja289's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 6,076
try running it by an english teacher and a social studies teacher.. they're the best when it comes to stuff like this trust me
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ja289 is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 02:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
Established member
 
BUBBASR.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: schweinfurt DE
Posts: 5,674
Blog Entries: 1
Id be carefull with the whole girlfriend part. What happens if they decide to call you up and ask a few questions about her? I got the feeling just from reading the letter that you were dating her. Not sure what to tell you on it.
__________________
Less Balls More Nuts.
PUMP PAINTER
BUBBASR. is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Old April 16th, 2006, 05:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
Into the whole Yale thing
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,073
Don't mention she is your girlfriend, don't use rhetorical questions, and don't begin the last two paragraphs with 'Though'. Something a lot of people fail to do with a large vocabulary at their disposal is how to utilize it. You may be able to a throw a large word into a sentence and use it correctly, but it may just seem wordy and trivial. A much more important way to convey your message is to write with eloquence rather than to be a 'vocabulate', which is french slang for using SAT vocabulary in common conversation. Since you are writing to someone to persuade them to appropiate some funds for your friend, I wouldn't cut out the good vocabulary, rather I would try and create better segues between your thoughts and paragraphs and just make it a smoother read. I hope that advice helps in you...
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurdlebeast
I respect and fear my potential

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
buddhaHybrid is offline View My Blog!   Reply With Quote
Reply



Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules

Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


VerticalSports
Baseball Forum Golf Forum Boxing Forum Snowmobile Forum
Basketball Forum Soccer Forum MMA Forum PWC Forum
Football Forum Cricket Forum Wrestling Forum ATV Forum
Hockey Forum Volleyball Forum Paintball Forum Snowboarding Forum
Tennis Forum Rugby Forums Lacrosse Forum Skiing Forums
Copyright (C) Verticalscope Inc Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc. Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.1