Had to share this joke with my homies - Paintball Forum - Paintball guns and gear forums

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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Had to share this joke with my homies

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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haha, very nice
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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funny... in a sence
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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lame
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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haha....that's sort of funny... but not really....
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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I'm not your homie
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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That makes no sense. if he was underneath the truck then when it rolled away it would have ran him over.
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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heh?
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Old August 13th, 2004, 07:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I meant homies as my pbf peeps
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huey69
That makes no sense. if he was underneath the truck then when it rolled away it would have ran him over.
Quoted for emphasis.
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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yah i know but i still think its funny
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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heh, pretty good.
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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no, it would have rolled OVER him
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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if the truck had enough ground clearance for him to go under it then it would probably roll over him without him getting hurt. Just imagine some guy laying face up on the side of the highway masturbating with his eyes closed. Thats pretty damn funny.
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Reminds me of a funny story *sigh* good times...
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Old August 13th, 2004, 08:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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im still not your homie
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Old August 13th, 2004, 09:21 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I don't care what other people think, I thought it was pretty funny.
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poke him and call him rumblebelly
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Old August 13th, 2004, 09:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huey69
That makes no sense. if he was underneath the truck then when it rolled away it would have ran him over.
No because he was under it and had his eyes closed. It had clearance to roll away, and he never knew because again, his eyes were closed.
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Old August 13th, 2004, 10:10 PM   #19 (permalink)
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you have no pbf homies/peeps
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Old August 14th, 2004, 01:21 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Thats a good one, sorta like one of mine that i tell often, here ill post it.

A man was having trouble making love so he went to his doctor to see if there was anything they could do about it.

He went to the doctors office and the doctor examined him and suggested that he startle himself right befor he orgasms.

So on his way home from work the man stops at a military store and buys a starting gun (ones that shoot blanks). Then that night when him and his wife we going at it they found themselves in the 69 position. Soon after he felt the urge to explode so he fired the pistol


The next day he goes to see his doctor and his doc asks him how it worked. The man replied. Well doc when i fired it my wife bit off three inches of my p3nis, pee'd in my face and my neighbor ran out of the closet with his hands up.
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Old August 14th, 2004, 01:27 AM   #21 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KingFikiElectra
Reminds me of a funny story *sigh* good times...
You've masterbated under a car and/or got caught masterbating by a cop?
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Old August 14th, 2004, 12:19 PM   #22 (permalink)
 
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Heres some more

Quick Joke
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."



Quick Joke
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!"




A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
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Old August 14th, 2004, 12:23 PM   #23 (permalink)
 
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Becky was on her death bed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"




On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."




A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”




An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail. So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.
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Old August 14th, 2004, 06:36 PM   #24 (permalink)
 
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Did anyone like those?^
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Old August 14th, 2004, 06:51 PM   #25 (permalink)
 
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the last one is pretty funny i guess, the wheel chair and the flight one were ok too. the death bed one was gay tho
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