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Old September 21st, 2004, 10:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Darwins Theory of Evolution: Darwin Award

discovered in one of the darwin books:

some guy in washington like 6 years ago was trying to sneak into a metallica concert. so he gets wasted ( 9 beers) and his buddy and him decide to jump a security fence, well they didnt impend a 20 foot drop on the other side of the 7 feet fence so he gets up and over and falls 10 feet to get his fall broken by a tree which snagged his shirt, then thinking oh ill be fine, he cuts his pants off where he then falls another 10 feet and drops his knife and lands square on a holy bush that rams right up his anal cavityand then the knife follows and sticks into his leg. so his bud( the almighty genious who didn't go first) gets a rope down there and relizes that he cant pull a 255 lb man out of there as he is only 150 lbs. so he hooks it up to the truck of theirs and (this is why you're not supposed to drink and drive) throws it into gear and just dries backwards and lands on the guy who just got violated by a holy bush and a knife in his leg, now has a huge truck on him that crushed him.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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what is the point of this thread it makes no sense, and they say i spam
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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i guess you lost your sense of humor, im sorry, you are not wanted.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by empire 4 life
what is the point of this thread it makes no sense, and they say i spam


if you dont have anything meaningful to say...don't.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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i think my sense of humor is fine its just i have heard this for the millionth time the week so its not funny nor was it funny the first time i heard and if thats what you call funny you need a reality check
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by empire 4 life
just i have heard this for the millionth time the week so its not funny nor was it funny the first time i heard and if thats what you call funny you need a reality check
great... other people haven't, including me. I thought it was pretty interesting (if not horrific, sad, and horrible) , so back off. now.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Darwin awards rock if I may I would like to share one about a romantic mishap involving lightening, vomit, sex, and girl scouts. Would it be appropriate or would brian ban me again?
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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you maybe one of the few who have empathy, but frankly, i wouldn't wanna walk in this guys shoes, atleast not the last 20 mins of it.

the people had a choice, drink and be stupid or just go home. now you made me think about it, damn it.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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the title IS vague, so just add away.(too lazy to edit, i got a few too)
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lastonestanding
you maybe one of the few who have empathy, but frankly, i wouldn't wanna walk in this guys shoes, atleast not the last 20 mins of it.
yeah, definitely just rethought that, time to edit my post!
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Wow...that sucks. haha.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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This is the original text from lastonestanding's post:

1996) Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake, 24, and his friend, Ormond D. Young, 27, at a Friday night Metallica concert.


Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20-ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground, adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.


According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the parking lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.


They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake. They did not count on the fact that, while it was a 7-foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23-foot drop on the other side.


Young, who weighed 255 lbs. and was quite inebriated, jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the distance before a large tree branch broke his fall and his left forearm. He also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in great pain and had no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided to cut his shorts off and fall to the bushes below.

As soon as he cut the last bit of fabric holding him on the branch, he suddenly plummeted the rest of the way down, losing his grip on the knife. The bushes he had depended on to break his fall were actually holly bushes, and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch, effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 feet up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. He was in tremendous pain.
Enter his friend Robert Uhlenake.


Uhlenake had observed the series of tumbles and realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Happily, despite his drunken state, he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his drunken state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse rather than into drive. He broke through the fence and landed on Young, killing him. Uhlenake was thrown from the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.


"So that's how a dead 255 lb. man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass, came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.


Urban Legend Status conferred 31 Dec 97: Declared an urban legend by on the following grounds: Intensive searching of online Washington State newspapers failed to produce validation. The statement attributed to the Commissioner is obviously bogus, as police do not make light of deadly shenanigans and never use the word ass to describe the rectum. And the editor of another Darwin Awards page, www.officialDarwinAwards.com, actually contacted the Washington State sheriff's office, which disclaimed knowledge of this story.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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^^^ straight from the book, but see i did it all from memory, now you must add one.
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Double post? Damn he intervened with my doublepostness

here's one of my favorites;

"A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position yesterday while touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari Zoo with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia. Ronald went to extremes to demonstrate the power of Crazy Glue, one of America's many marvels, to the Russians.


To prove the effectiveness of Crazy Glue, he rubbed several ounces of the adhesive onto the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.


The rhinoceros, a resident of the zoo for the thirteen years, was not initially startled, as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of being involuntarily stuck to Ronald, it began to panic and charge wildly about the petting area with Ronald as an unwitting passenger.


"Sally the Rhino hadn't been feeling well. She was constipated, and had just been given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank, " said caretaker James Douglass.


During Sally's tirade, a shed wall was gored, two fences destroyed, and a number of small animals escaped. Three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. During the stampede and subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative, showering Ronald repeatedly with over 30 gallons of rhinoceros diarrhea.

A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from Sally's buttocks. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down while shielding our faces from the pelting rhino dung. I guess you could say that Ronald was in it up to his neck.


Once she was under control, three people with shovels were working to keep an air passage open for him. We were eventually able to tranquilize Sally and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for awhile."


Meanwhile, the amused Russians were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.


Ronald did not die, nor was there any reproductive injury, so he can only qualify for a Darwin Award if you are persuaded by the fact that nobody would date a man who smelled of rhino dung."

Another favorite of mine:

"This guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.


His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.


Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet. *


Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.


The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone."
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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omg WOW, must breathe, that i have to admit was hilarious. none the less that guy was not having a very good stroke of luck on that fine day. i wonder how his collar bone is doing?
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Old September 21st, 2004, 11:58 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Another

"At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:


On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.


Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.


"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."


That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.


When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.


The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.


Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

The best is yet to come.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 12:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I'd say the guy who cut off his own head with a chainsaw > all.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 12:10 AM   #18 (permalink)
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okay now for my favorite

"1998) A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was hoping to score with his date on a Friday night. To put the woman in the mood, he drove her to a lonesome spot on Mount Lemmon, which overlooks the city of Tucson, Arizona. They walked to an open knoll and admired the city lights.

Overcome by the romantic locale, the lissome lass succumbed to his pleas. Soon they tossed their clothes off, made a bed of their garments, and began to make love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead mingled with the low rumble of thunder inside them. The excited lovers never looked up to see the charred remains of trees on the knoll.

Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity that night. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance straight down. Incredibly, he survived, albeit in excruciating pain.

The heat of the bolt had fused together flesh and latex so that the two lovers were now stuck together. The woman unfortunately did not survive the lightning strike. When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her. When he found that he couldn't, a wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth.

Heaving only caused more pain and illness. Finally he passed out. Attracted by the smell, a bear found its way to the lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student roused from his exhaustion. When he saw the bear, he realized that there was nothing he could do but lay silently in fear.

To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl; loudly crunching her facial bones inches from his ear. The bear also sampled the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.

At 11:35AM, a group of camping girl scouts arrived at the lover's tryst, where the pre-med student's car was parked. Minutes later, three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl several meters towards the road.

Doctors managed to separate the student from the corpse.

According to a hospital source, his penis resembled "a small piece of cauliflower" in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain that the student was unable and unwilling to achieve an erection. It is doubtful that it will ever again function in a procreatory sense."
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 12:15 AM   #19 (permalink)
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omg WOW, must breathe, that i have to admit was hilarious.
I honestly gagged when I read that. Probably one the funniest things I have ever heard... sucks for him, but wow.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 12:28 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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i think im gonna hurl
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 01:49 AM   #21 (permalink)
 
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post more stories, ill get some more tomorrow.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 06:15 AM   #22 (permalink)
 
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my anus hurts now from reading that. I feel like i was just sexually violated by a bush. thank you.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 07:44 AM   #23 (permalink)
 
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Another Darwin...

In March 1997, near Krakow in Poland, a 30-year-old farmer named Krystof Azninski was drinking with friends when it was suggested they all strip naked and play some `men's games'. This being Poland, the masculine activity they had in mind consisted of hitting each other over the head with frozen turnips. However, one man upped the ante by grabbing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and shouted `Watch this, then'. He swung the saw at his own head, cutting it off. Later, by way of an epitaph, one of his drinking chums commented: `It's because when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man.'

And an honorable mention...

(January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year’s holiday.
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Old September 22nd, 2004, 03:22 PM   #24 (permalink)
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if i had a nickle for every time i have been run over by my best friend while having a knife in my leg and a bush in my ass....id have 2 and a half nickles

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Old September 23rd, 2004, 12:13 AM   #25 (permalink)
 
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so like yuo've had a stick up your ass 2 and a half times? did the 3 time only go half way?
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