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Banned
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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Well, this is a poem I have been working on for some time now. It isnt directed to anyone, just somthing ive been writing latley. I dont think its very good and i need room for improvment instead of suck. So what im saying is, how can i improve this thing? I want to end it dramitcally, the only problem is that I cant think of any way to do that without it sounding like ****. So, help is appreciated.

Her eyes are crystals,
Lying in the sky,
Her beauty so simple,
To wonder me why,

Love like a dove,
So clean and pure,
But once taken off,
Is like a cat's purr,

I see her in the breeze,
So gentle and sweet,
I can't look away,
Can only move my feet,

I try to move away,
But her beauty is grasping,
I look towards her,
Our eyes are clasping,

I move closer to her,
Desire a kiss,
A feeling so gentle,
A feeling so missed,

Her eyes are dark,
Black as night,
I can't look away,
Strong as I might,

Her body is gentle,
Smooth and fine,
I think of her often,
But it could never be mine,

Of my life,
It's all just a dream,
She is my savior,
A savior so clean.
 

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1,193 Posts
Yeah, not directed towards anyone... You fooled everyone with that.

Want to end it dramatically?

Mail it the girl you wrote about and include a suicide note.

Then kill yourself, and when she gets the poem/suicide note several days later, after of course hearing of your untimely demise, she might shed a tear.

Drama.
 

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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Lmao. No, I really want to end this one dramaticlly. But in writing. I mean, that was my first thought but then I realized it isnt directed towards anyone lol
 

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i play for keeps
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7,001 Posts
Well the poem goes from breezes then to her body and back and forth.

The lines all have different numbers of syllables, no consistency. No rhyme, or a pathetic attempt at it.

Work on making it about a 1/3 as short as it is now, and focus it more.
 

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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
dhill0413 said:
Well the poem goes from breezes then to her body and back and forth.

The lines all have different numbers of syllables, no consistency. No rhyme, or a pathetic attempt at it.

Work on making it about a 1/3 as short as it is now, and focus it more.
Thanks. Ill start changing it some more.

Oh and Me' Please, GTFO out of my thread. I dont need **** like you brought in here. GTFO
 

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676 Posts
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
 

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3,072 Posts
Rock Force said:
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
That last line was kinda lame and disappointing, but the rest is... uhh... Imaginative, I guess. :dodgy:
 

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Banned
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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Rock Force said:
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
GTFO of my thread. You call me pathetic when you actully took the time to write that ****? Fail at life is right...
 

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Banned
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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Oh you are so pathetic, now your just running out of insults. Please stop making yourself look retarded. You try to follow everyone else and be cool by hating Dav0r. You fial man, you fail at insultuing and that is pathetic.
 

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PbF Supporter
Joined
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4,738 Posts
Rock Force said:
Here. I fixed it a little. The syllables are a little off in your original.

My name is Dav0r,
And I make useless posts,
So people don't like me,
They just hate me the most.

I try to be funny,
But I really am not,
So please excuse me
While I go and get shot.

If that doesn't work,
I'll go jump of a bridge,
And if that doesn't work,
I'll get raped by a kid.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll post here on the forum,
But then everyone will say,
"Hey, lets just ignore him."

And then I'll be sad,
And the forum will hate me,
But then I'll think,
"Oh wait, they already hate me."
Lame, knock it off.
 

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Banned
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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
As you can see Rock, my point has been proven. You suck at life, you cant even insult people. Ill say it nicely this time, Get out of my thread.
 

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Paintballa
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68 Posts
Great way to start off the new year guys
Dav0r, keep doing what you do....read other poems online...read tips on writing poems online...keep at it
 

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Banned
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393 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Cragen said:
Great way to start off the new year guys
Dav0r, keep doing what you do....read other poems online...read tips on writing poems online...keep at it
Thanks much. Last night my freind was on shrooms and he actully came up with these really good ideas that I plan on using. Odd how that works. ANyway, thanks for the support guys. thumup:
 
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