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We The People
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5,925 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So I've got a few business contacts here in Rochester, and I'm trying to help my girlfriend get donations and sponsorship for a missions trip to Romania. Basically she's going for 2 weeks to help out neglected kids who literally live in the sewers.

Anyways, I'm writing a letter to a couple of successful businessmen I know, but I feel like I'm being way too generalized, way too wordy, and just not really writing a decent letter. The letter basically needs to convince a businessman to donate to a girl s/he's never even met.

*Note* This letter will be attached with a letter that my girlfriend wrote that explains the whole trip and what she is doing in more detail. This will be the first letter they read, and is basically the hook to get them to donate.

-Jin
 

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We The People
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5,925 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
As I learn more and more about business, it has become clear to me that individuals have different ideas and thoughts on how certain things should be accomplished, such as what is the right way to keep financial records, or how extensive a company’s market research should be.

However, throughout the few short years I have been involved in business and entrepreneurship, one idea alone has remained a steadfast lodestar amongst everyone I have encountered. The belief that philanthropy is a core component of a successful businessman has stuck with me, more so than any other concept anyone has offered me. It is my personal belief, as well as the belief of a plethora of successful individuals, that giving back is a crucial aspect of having achieved monetary wealth. It is that act of helping the less fortunate and perhaps downtrodden that makes wealth so valuable. This is the very reason why I am contacting you, as I believe you can contribute back to the world which has given you so much, and you have the chance to truly impact the lives of possibly hundreds of people.

Katie L---- is currently a Senior at Aquinas, and as her attached letter will tell you, she has dreamt of traveling to Romania since she was 11 years old. Despite her incredible effort to raise money, both through personal donations as well as working at Wegmans, she is still short of the necessary funds. This is your chance to help out a caring individual, as well as downtrodden children who are helpless and neglected.

Why should you give to a girl you don’t even know? What makes her stand out from the perhaps dozens of other donation letters you may receive? I am here to give my own personal account of a young woman who I am positive will have a huge impact on the lives of everyone she encounters.

Though I have only known Katie for 8 months, from the very beginning I knew Katie was an extraordinary girl. She has an uncompromising character that is truly unique in today’s world., and her morals are unbending. She compromises herself for no one. I have had the fortune to see Katie interact with children of all ages, from young infants to toddlers and preteens. Her caring, loving attitude, in conjunction with her patience and composure, amount to the epitome of a motherly figure. I know for a fact that Katie is the perfect person for working with unfortunate children in Romania. You will not find a more compassionate girl in all of Rochester, and her tender-heart is unparalleled by any person I know. Whether it is volunteering at the Special Olympics, or even just talking to customers who come through her line at Wegmans, Katie always positively impacts those she encounters. I could go on and on, but I will try to keep this as concise as possible.

Though Katie is an exceptional young woman, she has not always had such an easy life. Money has never been a blessing for her or her family, from the years she spent in a trailer home before moving to Caledonia, to the struggle of currently putting two of four kids through Catholic schooling.


*TL/DR* **** OFF.
 

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Woohoo
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2,350 Posts
That's a really good letter, she seems like a really good person according to you, and you seem to know what you're talking about.

If she needs more sponsorships and money, then do local carwashes, write one letter, and send it to a bunch of people, rake leaves, do other oddjobs.

Our church went on a missions trip to Moldova (right next to Romania) and the way I got enough money was writing to most of the businesses I could find in the phonebook with some sort of Christian (fish, cross, etc.) logo. Our church also hosted a golf tournament which raised over 2,000 dollars. We ended up, after everything had been tallied up, having enough for an 11 person team to go, each with 100 dollars of spending money. If you need any help or anything, then IM me on AIM and I'll be happy to help you two out.
 

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Premium Member
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5,674 Posts
I would try to limit the way you use larger words. By adding plethora or others to your letter you are inadvertently making the reader either aknowledge that you are smart or making them feel like you are trying to snob up to them. By keeping things more simple you will give them a warmer feeling. Just my imput do what you want.

Its good of you to try and help her out. what is your relation with her besides knowing her for 8 months.
 

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PBaholic #14
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1,553 Posts
Definetly leave that out....

if i were reading that letter and you mentioned her being your gf i would probably just think something along the lines of


"Hes her girlfriend, of course hes going to write a letter about how nice/kind/compassionate she is.." and then something like "man he really wants some... "

So IMO leave the bf/gf part out

other than that thats a really good letter..
 

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We The People
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5,925 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Sometimes I hate having a decent vocabulary, because then people can't tell if that's just how I write or if I'm trying to sound wordy. I think I'll tone it down a bit, just because I don't want to come off sounding fake, even though I'm not.

-Jin
 

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Registered
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3,591 Posts
Haha, yea I think if you know the guy well enough don't worry about it. It also really depends on what kind of a guy you are writing the letter to.
 

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Premium Member
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5,674 Posts
Id be carefull with the whole girlfriend part. What happens if they decide to call you up and ask a few questions about her? I got the feeling just from reading the letter that you were dating her. Not sure what to tell you on it.
 

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Into the whole Yale thing
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1,073 Posts
Don't mention she is your girlfriend, don't use rhetorical questions, and don't begin the last two paragraphs with 'Though'. Something a lot of people fail to do with a large vocabulary at their disposal is how to utilize it. You may be able to a throw a large word into a sentence and use it correctly, but it may just seem wordy and trivial. A much more important way to convey your message is to write with eloquence rather than to be a 'vocabulate', which is french slang for using SAT vocabulary in common conversation. Since you are writing to someone to persuade them to appropiate some funds for your friend, I wouldn't cut out the good vocabulary, rather I would try and create better segues between your thoughts and paragraphs and just make it a smoother read. I hope that advice helps in you...
 
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