Ok, its a little long but its pretty funny. Unless you are a ricer lover than you won't like it.
So Im a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechjanic who helps the neighbors out with thier cars. Hey, ive got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and Ive got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70s hobby car that i take out on weekends, an oldsmobile 442.
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her honda civic.
Say it out loud now with me. Honda civic.
Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, honda civic.
"perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable a good basic car for junior," i thought to myself.
The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.
The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO. as it slowly approached.....i could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy stuff. I almost had a fcuking siezure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.
.....Then about 48 hours later, Im laying in bed, about ready to f*ck my girlfriend when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be dicking around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought Id go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.
Holy sh|t. I told him to pleae quit f**king with the car so I could sleep.
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
The following week, he ask me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a honda civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a retard.
It gets better.
2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this motherfcuker to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. Thats coming.
heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before.
He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.
Circus act part 1.
Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldnt let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb f*ck would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.
He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground. and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.
You should see how retarded this jackass looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid tailights. blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.
Wait, thats not all. now hondtard wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo, and a kraagen auto parts special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (whats left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
....Except you cant hear the music. You can only hear the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.
Okay. Now for hondtards carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60s mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardeness of the rear spoiler/picnic table.
Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some shizt airbrushed on the doors.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine, filled with equally retarded looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, i wanna make dis here b18 goes fast and stuff. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So i asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most retarded car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That stuff is be is funny and stuff, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350 horsepower"
So I asked him: Why dont you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go that fast any faster?
"dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo stuff cant hang" he tells me.
Now Im pissed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, i'll pull my olds cutlass out of the garage and make your stuff look like it was going backwards. No noss, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends.
Ill have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of stuff bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ass. Get the fcuk out of my garage.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "Fcuk you dawg, ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.