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Well here I am "Uncle" Sabman here to read you a story, but you better have brought those dictionaries.....

(Recieved in an Email author unknown)
A FRACTURED 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was in the surface of the recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With this ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alarm predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, Now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celebrity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue of the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had ac***ulated to the plethora of playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflectant luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused to the subtaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of decorative seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wilder than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenerian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risibly frolicsome, despite every effort to refrain from being so. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid, and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium in gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effects his egress by renegotiation (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portion of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility. "Estatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
 

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holy isht that is very very messed up.....now my head hurts, but i wonder if i can print it out and give it to my english teacher and get extra credit!!!
 

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I read the first paragraph, and my mined backfired. I'll take a look at this, I'll actually give it to an english teacher to read, no joke. Prepared to be copyrighted infrigmanted
 

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Its not that the stories bad, but reading it makes me feel so stupid for not understanding what in gods name is going on.... Makes me ticklish all over
 

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That wasn't recondite at all. Its just a grandiloquent version of The Night Before Christmas filled with superfluous grammar. It was written to foment and transcend your non erudite minds. Duh:rolleyes:
 

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I can understand all that was written but it gives me a god damn migraine tryin to read it.
 
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