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28 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
heres a thread for all your jokes. ill start it out with a few

A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good
start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15
students raise their hands. "That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise
their hands. "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt
and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The
professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a
step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving
this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your

The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
*** with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there
it sounded like you said 'goats'".

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #2

(Check appropriate box) First name:
First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) ***: ____ M _____ F _____ Not
sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_]
Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's
Name: __________________________ Lover's Name:
__________________________ 2nd Lover's Name:
__________________________ Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother
[_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number
of children living in shed: ___ Number of
children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name:
_______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check
appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of
vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front
yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of
vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom
____ bathroom ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times
you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not

How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =

[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
You Might be a redneck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth
than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey,
y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending
on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law
against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Redneck Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough.
The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and
told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from
Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get
a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to
his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5
. . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Your Momma is like a vacuum cleaner . . .

She sucks, she blows, then gets laid in the closet

Your momma is so poor . . .

One day I saw her pounding on a dumpster in an alley so I
asked her what she was doing.

She said her kids had locked her out!

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is labelskate?!?!!"

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car
for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to
roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the
nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead
blonde the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding
ma'me.....could I see your drivers license...? "...Whats a
license...???" replied the blonde. instantly giving away the
fact that she was as a stump. Its usually in your wallet...
replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the
driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration!!!
Asked the cop. Registration....whats that...?asked the
blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment said the cop
impatiently after some more fumbling she found the
registration. Ill be back in a minute.. the cop said and
walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch
to run a check on the womans license and registration. After
a few moments the dispatcher came back. Ummm is this woman
driving a red sports car. Yes....Replied the officer. Is she
a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh...Yes
replied the cop. Heres what you do.....said the
dispatcher.Give her stuff back and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. Its ........inappropriate..exclaimed
the cop. Trust me....Just do it..said the dispatcher. So the
cop goes back to the car gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher
said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... Ohh no......not
ANOTHER breathalyzer....

28 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set
on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he
spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

127 Posts
ok...short and sweet
I want to dy like my grandpa, quietly in my sleep, not like his passengers, screaming and afraid.

7 Posts
A loud explosion and heavy shakes occurs in the middle of a trans-atlantic flight. The captain comes over the microphone and announces to the passengers that both engines just exploded and thier about to dive straight into the sea. They only have about 2 minutes before they hit the water at 600+ mph. At that point, one of the stewardess burst through the cockpit door, ripped off her blouse and shouted "I want to feel like a woman before I die!!!"

The captain got up from his seat, ripped off his shirt and said, "Here, iron this for me.":p

Premium Member
2,370 Posts
A blonde wants to take helicopter lessonds, so she goes to the airport, and asks a hekicopter pilot for lessons. He says "ok" and quickly shows her how everything works, but the helicopter will only hold one person. So the pilot is on the ground talking to the blonde through a radio. The blonde flys up to 1000 feet, and the pilot checks in with her, she says everythings fine, and goes up to 2000 feet. The pilot checks in with her again, and everythings still fine. Then she goes up to 3000 feet, then crashes to the ground. The pilot runs out to the wrekage and pulls her out, and asks her "what the hell happened???" she replies "it was getting kinda cold, so i turned off the big fan" :D :D :D

Premium Member
2,370 Posts

An elephant and a duck were in a bathtub, and the elephant said "pass the soap", and the duck said 'WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?! A DOORKNOB?!!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneoneROFLROFL =( =( =( sooooo tired, neeeeed sleep

567 Posts
Zidane said:

An elephant and a duck were in a bathtub, and the elephant said "pass the soap", and the duck said 'WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?! A DOORKNOB?!!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneoneROFLROFL =( =( =( sooooo tired, neeeeed sleep

That's gotta be the best joke I've ever seen

I'm laughing my head off right now and I read it like an hour ago

Bang Bang Bang
1,615 Posts
ok these cops were drivin down the road and they saw this dude walking horribly, like he was drunk. so they stopped him and gave him the brethalyzer test, he passed. they gave him the abc's, strait line walk, and touch your nose tests, and he passed them all. then they replied. "you passed all the tests sir, your not drunk, why were you walking like that" he replies "im the designated decoy"
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