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Holy ****ing Asscrackers!
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6,721 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
this from zug.com, written by John Hargrave, really funny guy. check out his Credit card and turnpike pranks.



I was recently eating Kellogg's Mini-Wheats, reading about their new "Kellogg Kash" promotion on the back of the box. They have these "Kellogg Kash" drawings on the side of the box, which you're supposed to collect for bidding on exciting prizes from their Web site.

What shocked me, though, was the drawing on the "Kellogg Kash," which gives new meaning to "flipping the bird." I made the following prank call to Kellogg's to see if I was the first person who had noticed this hilarious obscenity that somehow got printed on millions of boxes of children's cereal.

KELLOGG'S: Thank you for calling Kellogg's. This is Madeline.

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi Madeline. I've been collecting Kellogg Kash for my son's youth group, and one of his hooligan friends, Dwight McFarland, pointed out that the chicken on your Kellogg Kash money is actually MAKING AN OBSCENE GESTURE.

KELLOGG'S: [Pause] Um ... OK, one moment. Let me go ahead and take a look at that. [Extremely long pause, some typing on a computer] Just a second. I'm trying to see what we have here. Can you hold?

JH: Sure.

[Hold time of 0:38]

KELLOGG'S: OK, I am looking at the box, I certainly apologize you think he looks that way. What he's doing ... he doesn't have hands, so he's holding out his wing.

JH: A wing with a middle finger.

KELLOGG'S: It's his thumb.

JH: It's not his thumb. It's in the middle of his hand.

KELLOGG'S: Well. I do apologize for what you think that means. I can forward your comments along to our advertising department...

JH: I don't know what kind of pranksters you have working in your graphic design department, but I don't find this funny.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry you feel that way, sir, but it is not representing what you think it is.

JH: Here's what I think. I think you have an artist in your graphics department who was bored, and decided to do it as a joke, and no one caught it until now. I mean, it's a bird flipping the bird! Don't you get it?

KELLOGG'S: Again, sir, there's not much more I can do except apologize and offer to pass your comments along.

JH: What is it anyway? A chicken?

KELLOGG'S: It's a rooster.

JH: Why? Is there rooster meat in your cereal?

KELLOGG'S: No sir, it's a rooster that wakes people up early in the morning. The rooster is associated with getting up early in the morning, and starting out with breakfast.

JH: I'm eating rooster organs?

KELLOGG'S: No sir. It's just a cartoon mascot.

JH: [Sigh] This is all very disappointing. I trusted Kellogg's for so many years.

KELLOGG'S: OK, I do see the index finger on the rooster now, he's making the #1 sign.

JH: What do you mean, you see it "now"? What were you looking at before?

KELLOGG'S: I was looking at another drawing of the rooster, sir, my apologies.

JH: How many dirty drawings of this rooster are there?

KELLOGG'S: Sir, I'll be happy to collect your data, and pass it along to our marketing department. They can address your concern immediately.

JH: How are they going to address my concern?

KELLOGG'S: Well, they will do some research and look into the matter.

JH: Research what? How many fingers roosters have?

KELLOGG'S: I don't know sir, I'm not in that department.

JH: Look, Madeline. How many fingers do roosters have?

KELLOGG'S: I've never seen a rooster.

JH: You've never seen a rooster?

KELLOGG'S: I've never seen a rooster have fingers. I've seen rooster with wings.

JH: EXACTLY MY POINT. The rooster shouldn't have any fingers at all!



KELLOGG'S: He's indicating that this is worth one dollar of Kellogg Kash. It's the number one.

JH: So first it was thumbs up, then "we're #1," and now he's indicating the denomination?

KELLOGG'S: Sir, are you looking at the drawing now?

JH: Yes I am.

KELLOGG'S: You see that thing on the left, that's his thumb.

JH: Right.

KELLOGG'S: Then if you look next to that, you'll see what we call the "index finger."

JH: Don't get sassy with me, Madeline. I know what the index finger is.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to offend you.

JH: You guys at Kellogg's don't have some exclusive terminology for the first finger that you need to explain to me.

KELLOGG'S: I'm trying to point out that that is the index finger he's holding up.

JH: "What we call the index finger." Like you guys are some kind of finger scientists.

KELLOGG'S: I...

JH: Never mind. Dwight McFarland also said that Snap, Crackle, and Pop were gay lovers. Is that true?

KELLOGG'S: [Pause] No, sir.

JH: I can see the chicken flipping me off with my own eyes, but the Snap, Crackle, and Pop thing would just have to be inferred.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, if you'd like me to take your personal information, I can pass it along...

JH: I mean, they've been living together in that bowl for about 85 years now.

KELLOGG'S: These are cartoon characters. They represent the cereal. They don't really have a ... OK.

JH: Have a what?

KELLOGG'S: ...

JH: A sexual preference?

KELLOGG'S: Sir, I cannot continue this conversation. I'm going to have to put you on hold.

JH: I also heard that Tony the Tiger likes little boys. True or very true?

KELLOGG'S: I understand that you're concerned about your children, but I assure you that none of this is true.

JH: I mean, Tony must like little boys to be the mascot of a children's breakfast cereal for 100 years, right?

KELLOGG'S: I think he's just a cartoon character.

JH: How do you think he feels about little diabetic boys? Because, you know, they could go into shock from eating his cereal.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, I'm going to have to end this call now.

JH: Clear up just a few more things for me. Are Pop-Tarts really called Poop-Tarts?

KELLOGG'S: Sir, there's no need for all of this. Can I put you on hold?

JH: True or false: Apple Jacks were once called Apple Jack-Offs?

KELLOGG'S: I'm going to have to end this call now, sir. [Hangs up]
 

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Holy ****ing Asscrackers!
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Discussion Starter #2
While eating Kellogg's Mini-Wheats, I recently noticed a new "Two-Week Fiber Challenge" advertised on the box. The "challenge," if you can call it that, was to eat Mini-Wheats every day for two weeks, then to "see if you feel a difference." Personally, I think a challenge is to launch a live donkey into space, or genetically engineer a self-replicating bologna. But maybe the marketing people at Kellogg's have lower standards.

What incensed me is that they don't actually talk about the one real benefit of fiber. Granted, I don't want to read about sitting on the bowl while I'm eating from a bowl, but that's beside the point. They say "people who increased their fiber intake felt less tired." Well, maybe they felt less tired because they were sitting on the bowl all day.

This kind of opportunity was too good to, ah, pass, so I made the following prank call to Kellogg's.

KELLOGG'S: This is Betsy, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: I was eating some Mini-Wheats, and I read about the Fiber Challenge, you know, where you challenge people to eat your cereal for two weeks?

KELLOGG'S: Yes.

JH: I started eating it regularly, and I noticed a difference all right.

KELLOGG'S: [Long pause]

JH: Do you know what it was?

KELLOGG'S: As far as what, sir?

JH: Do you know what happens when you eat a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: No.

JH: You don't know the benefit of eating a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: I mean, yes. It, uh, it regulates you.

JH: I'll say. I have been on the commode for six solid hours. And when I say "solid," I use that term loosely. Do you get my meaning?

KELLOGG'S: Yes, sir. I do apologize about that.

JH: I haven't seen this much brown since I visited the UPS headquarters.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry to hear about this. Now, ah, how much cereal did you consume?

JH: A box a day, just like you suggested.

KELLOGG'S: An entire box?

JH: In the morning, sure. Then a couple of bowls of All-Bran in the afternoon.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, we recommend one bowl per day.

JH: What? No, it says box. Hang on. I've got it here ... oh. Oh, no. Oh boy.

KELLOGG'S: We encourage people to have a bowl a day.

JH: Well, what if the bowl is big? Like a mixing bowl?

KELLOGG'S: Let me go ahead and get your name.

JH: You know, you guys really should be more clear about this. "Box" looks an awful lot like "bowl."

KELLOGG'S: I'll be happy to pass your comments along, if I can just get your contact information.

JH: My Lord. It's like a smoked ham exploded in here. Can I send you pictures, so you can see what do to your customers?

KELLOGG'S: It's up to your discretion.

JH: It looks like a Yule log. You should call yourself YULElogg's, not Kellogg's.

KELLOGG'S: I do apologize for that, sir.

JH: Look, I'm worried. What should I do? I can't even get off the toilet here. I'm afraid I'll frisbee out another platter of bun fudge.

KELLOGG'S: Well Mr. Hargrave, all I can suggest is for you to contact your physician. The challenge is to eat a bowl a day, not a box.

JH: How is that a challenge?

KELLOGG'S: Uh, it's not really, a challenge, it just makes you feel better.

JH: Why do you call it a challenge, then?

KELLOGG'S: All I can suggest is for you not to consume any more of it.

JH: Why?! Am I going to get cancer?

KELLOGG'S: I'd suggest you call your physician.

JH: Are you guys going to reimburse me for a plumber?

KELLOGG'S: I've never heard of, uh, anything like this, but I can pass your comments along and see what they say.

JH: [Long sigh, followed by gasping and mild choking] Can I ... [hacking] ... can I at least get some free cereal?

KELLOGG'S: We typically don't give out free cereal, sir.

JH: Give me a break. I've got to deal with Stool and the Gang here.

KELLOGG'S: Again, I will be happy to forward along your comments.

JH: OK, one second. [Loud flushing noise] Oh boy. I'm going to have to use a spatula on this.

KELLOGG'S: Can I do anything else for you, sir?

JH: Believe me, you and your cereal have done enough.

KELLOGG'S: Thank you for calling Kellogg's.

JH: [Flushing]

Personally, I think the only "challenge" was for Kellogg's to sell more Mini-Wheats.
 

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King of the Fuster Cluck
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2,064 Posts
lmao....wow........i lol'ed so hard it hurt
 

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Shine on Rick Wright
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3,235 Posts
lmao thats great
 

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Registered
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2,907 Posts
JH: Why?! Am I going to get cancer?

JH: Look, I'm worried. What should I do? I can't even get off the toilet here. I'm afraid I'll frisbee out another platter of bun fudge.

lol good stuff
 
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