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Taken from Bungie.net
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Part 1:

Area Teen gives up gaming
Posted by stosh at 6/14/2005 1:27 PM
doodi writes: Lexington, NE - In a move that left adult gamers stunned, 13 year-old Timmy Smith has given up gaming. "I was such a jerk," he explained. "I didn't see how annoying and disrepectful I was. You know what they say, hind sight is 20 something."




Last week, Smith's gaming career reached it's climax, chalking up 36 kills in an online game of Halo 2's Team Training Assault. He marveled at his own skill. "I pwned you [slang for female dogs]," he said in the post game carnage report. "You're all a bunch of n00Bs and I pwned you. You guys must suck, 'cause I got 36 kills. I had, like, 50 medals too, you bunch of [homophobic reference]. Even my teammates sucked my [slang for testicles]. If it weren't for me, you [racial slur] would have lost. I even sang "Cherry Pie" the whole friggin' time, and I still pwned you."

The trash talking continued even after everyone else had left the room. That's when Smith realized he had a problem. "I couldn't believe that they didn't want to hear about how skilled I am, or hang out with me in a party. I tried to send them friend requests, but they all declined 'em. I started to get angry with the fact that they wouldn't stay and take what they deserved. Maybe it was all the team kills. That's when I started to realize that I might have a problem."

Smith's parents, Gary and Linda, also sensed that their son might have a problem. "I'd wake up in the middle of the night to go to the can, and I'd hear Timmy swearing and singing at people that he was playing with online," Mr. Smith said. "At least I think he was playing with others online. Anyway, I'd check in on him, and he'd tell me that everything was fine, and that he was just making some new friends."

"I don't know what could ever have done this to our sweet little boy," Mrs. Smith said. "Ever since he got on that Xbox Now or whatever you call it, I've been so worried about him. Not only because of what I hear coming from his mouth, but because you never know what kind of creepy old men might be out there trying to seduce our child. I mean, just look at Michael Jackson. I thought he was [homophobic reference], but into kids? That's sick!"

"What really brought things to a head, was when he started using his smack talk at the kitchen table," Mr. Smith explained. "We don't have a dining room, so our table's in the kitchen. Anyway, Timmy started saying stuff like "Pass the taters, [slang for female dog]," and "Gimme some desert, or I'll no-scope your [buttocks]." We don't really know what that means, but we're a little uncomfortable with it."

"I'm such a [annoying stupid person]," Smith said with tears swelling in his eyes. "If only I'd have known what an intolerable pile of [fecal matter] I'd become. No one on my friends list likes me any more, and I'm really not that good. I cheated my way up to a 37 before the reset, but now I'm stuck at 18. I'm the n00B, I'm the one that sucks."

Smith went on to say that he's giving up video games, and taking up sports. "I just want to be a part of something where ego's never get in the way. What a better place than a team sports environment?"

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Part 2:

Recent events in his video game behavior sent Smith reeling into a bout with self-discovery. In an effort to build his laughable social skills, Smith reported to football coach, Wes Leary, of the East Lexington High Knights.

“Let me just say that at 5 feet 7 inches and 115 pounds, Timmy ain’t the most intimidating being you ever met,” Leary said in a recent interview. “And when he talks, I thought I was talking to a girl that wanted to play ball. Not the most manly voice. Ah, who am I kiddin’, he was downright feminine. But the boy could talk some smack. Hell, it was worth having him on the team just to teach the other guys what a sailor sounded like. He had a worse mouth than any jockey I ever met. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t think of Alvin the chipmunk every time he opened his mouth.”

Smith’s two-day career on the spring training football squad was both colorful and painful. He tried out for several positions, the first of which was wide receiver.

Leary explained, “No matter what play Everrett called (he’s our offensive coordinator, ya understand), you could hear Timmy: ‘I call the ball! Give that [fecal matter] to me, son, and I’ll show you what a man can do with it.’ Whenever we didn’t opt to pass to Timmy, he’d come back grumbling about how he had ‘pwndizzled’ the defense, and he’d of had a touch down. He called the quarterback a ‘[slang for female dog]’, and even called Everrett a ‘newb’. He got to do a few extra up-downs after that particular practice.”

Frustrated, Smith begged the coaches to put him on defense. He told them that he knew he’d be the best linebacker that they had ever seen. Knowing otherwise, the coaches decided to just shut him up by giving him a shot at the position.

“It was the funniest thing I ever saw,” Leary said chuckling. “He thought he was so tough. I’ll never forget the image of Timmy laying in a trash-talking crumpled heap after Jamison Bertring (the Knights All-State starting running back) just ran him over. He was yellin’ at us between sobs. ‘You [slang for intercourse] cheaters! You ain’t nothing without your damn linemen. If my defensive line wasn’t a bunch of [buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation], I’d have beat your pansy [buttocks] down and put you in your place. Just like I did with your mom last night.’ But you gotta give him some credit. [Buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation]? That’s priceless.”

Smith’s expulsion from the school and the team was a result of what is now known as the “locker room incident.”

“Practice was over, and everyone was cleaning up to go home. Timmy got some wacky idea from somewhere. Must have had something to do with those video games I read about before he joined the team. He was getting ready for the shower, when he saw some guys sitting around, talking about the practice. Next thing you know, Timmy’s naked and running around, smacking these guys in the forehead with his [slang for testicles]. ‘Sacktacular!’ he yelled. All the guys just sat there in shock, and so did I. ‘Sack Frenzy! Sacktrocity! Sackamonjaro! Ya like a little [racial slur referring to white people] with your tea, [slang for female dogs]?’ The guys started to move. I tried to get out there, but I wasn’t fast enough. Don’t move as fast as I used to, and those kids are all faster than I am. Poor Timmy didn’t have a chance. That crazy bastard.”

After a necessary stay in the local hospital, Smith checked himself into Sunnyside Acres, with the blessing of his parents.

“We can only hope that time will heal his mind and mend the broken bones,” Linda Smith, Timmy’s mother, said. “I still blame those damn games. Gary and I are excellent parents, so it has to be those games that did this to my little angel. And don’t even get us started on those football players.”
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in Team Training there are usually newer players. Its not that big of a deal lol. He needs to get a life. its no big deal if its team training b/c that is easy. what a loser
 

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"What really brought things to a head, was when he started using his smack talk at the kitchen table," Mr. Smith explained. "We don't have a dining room, so our table's in the kitchen. Anyway, Timmy started saying stuff like "Pass the taters, [slang for female dog]," and "Gimme some desert, or I'll no-scope your [buttocks]." We don't really know what that means, but we're a little uncomfortable with it."

noobs.

Pass the Lamesauce so I can put it on my Lamesalad, *****.
 

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I was saving that bacon
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rollin: I know people like that. its pretty pathetic... and funny!
 
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